The air is suffocating. I wonder why. Twelve people are sleeping in this tiny room. I know they are all sleeping because I can identify their snores. That is why I am not sleeping right now, because the snores are too damn loud. Or maybe I am simply blaming them for my own fault. I am just thinking, there is so much to think about. It is late, I know, but I can’t sleep. I am the smart one, I chose the upper bed in one of the six bunk beds looking right out of the window. At least there is some air for me to breath in this hot summer night. Looking out the window is not that great. The only thing I can see is the brown brick wall of another house. This is not the best location to live if you want to have a beautiful night view of Seoul. There are so many things on my head right now. I am still wondering if doing this is the right choice, if this is what I really want to do, if my passion and my dream are supposed to be like this. I don’t know, it may be not the best life, but it may be the right life, the life that I can enjoy.
I dreamt a dream. I dreamt of being able to do what I wanted to do. I dreamt a dream of pursuing my passion and dedicating my life for it. I dreamt a dream of being happy. I remembered when I was younger, living in my grandmother’s house for the summer, my grandmother would let me watch television all day long because I loved it so much. I remembered drinking sikhye and watching movies, it was the best summer of my life. I loved watching movies. It could be funny, emotional, scary, or anything. My grandmother had a collection of CDs that she would let me use. I loved her, I am still thinking about her every day. She was the only one in my family that would encourage me to follow my passion to be an actress. I wondered how wonderful it would be to portray other lives, other characteristics, other actions, or other gestures.
My phone buzzed. It is another message. I don’t like those messages. I don’t want them. I don’t know those guys. They keep texting me.
“Ja Yeon ah, are you sleeping? I miss you so much! I want to see you right now. I swear I am not drunk. Come to my place, darling.”
I was with him last night, not just him, lots of other men. They are all big name. You can imagine them as the Wall Street guys that always appear in movies. The guy is directing the movie that I got cast in. Park Jinki, a very popular director, literally everyone in Korea knows his name. I got a mediocre role, not too small nor too big, but it is the way to success as I come from smaller roles to bigger ones. I believe one day I will get the main protagonist’s role if I keep trying and trying my best. The professional all said I am very talented and pretty, or just pretty. My grandmother said I am very good at acting as I would always act in front of her when I was little. At these times, I miss my grandmother so much. I miss those days when I was so innocent and pure, when I still think that life is a pink color just like those movies that I watch. I realized it was not pink when my grandmother died.
“Are you ok?” Another message arrived, but this one is different. It is from Jiseok, my manager.
“I am fine,” I said.
“Stop saying bullshit Jayeon ah. Tell me the truth. What did those guys do to you?” Jiseok texts back after 2 seconds.
“Why are you asking? Are you going to beat them up again? You already got the warning from the company. If you do it again, you are going be fired. And I don’t want that to happen.”
“At least tell me something. I’m going to explode if you don’t tell me. I swear I won’t do anything.” Jiseok says angrily.
“Ok. They do touch me, but it was like usual, nothing too much or overboard.”
“What is usual? Are you so used to it now?”
I can feel it. I can feel Jiseok’s anger. I can feel he is going to explode. I feel like he is going to do something bad and stupid. I am scared he is going to be fired. He can’t be. He is the only one I can talk to, the only one I can share my feeling, the only one I can trust. At the same time, I can feel the irony and the shame. He is right. What is usual? What is normal? Am I so used to it now? Do I feel normal about everything now? Do I even have feelings?
They do horrible, disgusting, shameless things to me, and to other girls in this entertainment industry. Those guys. The company make us wear super short and revealing dress. They force me to pour alcohol for them. They touch my thigh, my inner thigh. They touch my chest. I threw up that day, when one guy tried to touch my nipples, and succeeded. They force me to kiss them. They order me to sing for them. I love singing to my grandmother, but not to these people. On the first night, I remembered that I cried all night. I threw up multiple times. I took four showers to clean myself from all the alcohol, the saliva, and the fingerprints. I feel like I am a prostitute. And now am I getting used to it? How long I have been doing this? I can’t remember the time now. I have been living like a lifeless corpse for almost a year. Such a disgrace. What is “too much”? What is “overboard”? I guess they have never tried to rape me.
I slapped myself hard in the face. I can’t endure this. I have to get out of this mess as soon as possible. I have feelings. I am a human. I can’t be treated like this. I still want to be an actress. That is my dream, my passion. But is this the only way for me?
I got myself into this mess. It was two years ago when I decided to finally follow my dream. My mother did not want me to do it. I don’t want you to suffer, my mother said. I worked in my aunt’s hair salon, because my family didn’t have enough money to continue sending me to school. I loved it there. My aunt’s customer would always compliment about how pretty I looked. They all treated me very well. But every single day, after closing the salon super late at night, I would wander on the street of Myeongdong and think about the purpose of my life. Should I just settle down with this job, get married, and live a decent life? Or should I follow what my heart really desires and live fully? I met the CEO of the company when I was walking on the street on one of those nights. I was terrified at first, but it is actually how entertainment companies recruit people in Seoul. I signed the contract a few weeks later, after considering everything. They deceived me, they didn’t tell me anything about this. I couldn’t sue them because I would have to pay them a huge reparation payment if I dropped the contract. I don’t even know if this is actually my dream any more. Every night, I will say to myself “tomorrow will be better.” For Jiseok, he owed the CEO of the company an enormous amount of money because he had to pay for his mother’s surgery. He has to work for the company to pay it, doing all those disgusting things. I don’t know why he lent money from them in the first place though, he never told me.
“Jayeon ahh, why are you not replying?” Jiseok asked.
“Sorry, I am sleepy. I am tired. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
It has been another month. Time just flies. Jiseok said I would have to “go” tonight as well. It has been five days in a row that I have to do it. My body is exhausted. I can’t fake smile anymore. I don’t want to wear those tight dress. I just want to rest. I want to visit my mother, my father, my aunt. I can never come to see them even though we live in the same city. I would tell my mom I am too busy all the time. I am too ashamed of what I am doing. My mother would tell everyone in my neighborhood about me showing up on television. My mother can never imagine what I am doing right now to show up on screen, to be famous. She would die. She may not have the ability to make a lot of money, but she is a good person that taught me every good thing in life. She just didn’t like my passion. I want to make her proud, but I don’t know if this is the right way.
The night comes. I am being driven to a fancy club with three other actresses. I am wearing a red dress and red lipstick. I envision myself dressing up like this for the red carpet and being nominated for the best actress of the year. Just being nominated would make me happy enough. We walk to a room downstairs. There is a secret passage way there. It is dark and stinky. I can sense something is wrong today. We go to a dimly lit room, seeing four men were already there waiting for us. I recognize one of them, Kim Howon, the well-known politician. He has a pointy face and a slim body. Such a dirty piece of scum.
We start by introducing ourselves. I can feel that politician’s eyes on my face and my body all the time. He chooses me. He is not like other guys. He seems dangerous. He has small fox eyes and a weird smile on his face when I am coming towards him. I sit down next to him and smile at his face.
“You look gorgeous in red,” he exclaimed
“Oh thank you so much. What do you want to drink today?”
“Let’s not drink yet. I want to get to know you. You seem not like those girls that come to me just for money and fame. You seem different,” he said sweetly.
This is different. None of those guys have aver talked to me like this. They will try to touch my waist and hip right away and order me to pour them drink. I feel scared. I don’t know how to deal with this situation.
“Would you like to drink with me? Let’s just imagine we are two people meeting at the bar trying to get to know each other, because I really want to get to know you.”
“Oh of, of course,” I answered confusedly.
“What roles have you taken?” he asked.
We are just talking and drinking like normal people. He doesn’t even try to touch me. He looks at me in the eyes enthusiastically when I talk about myself. I don’t remember what we talk about, we talk about everything, my roles, his hardship in politics, his wife, my parents, my favorite color, his favorite songs. I think he just needs someone to talk to because he is very stressful with his personal life. I feel that he is a nice guy. He tells me joke. I haven’t laughed in such a long time. The alcohol is affecting me. I can’t even see his face clearly. I close my eyes.
“And the best actress of the year goes to… Jang Jayeon. Congratulations!”
Everyone stands up and gives a deafening applause. Everything has paid off. I finally make it. I make my mother proud. I make myself proud…
My head hurts so much. I try to open my eyes as hard as I can. I know it is a dream, but I just want to live in it for another moment. I want to feel it in my heart, in my vein, in my mind. I open my eyes finally. The ceiling is so high today, not like the ceiling I will always look at from my bunk bed. I turn around. I hear an ear-piercing scream. It is that pointy face, that slim body, naked lying next to my naked body.
Comments